these are not tears of weakness.
these are not tears of fear.
these are not tears of sadness.
these are hot heavy reminders that pain is real.
these are the reminders that you have felt.
That you have experienced.
That you have hurt. and loved. and lost. and that something has died inside of you.
past. present. future.
these are a flood.
They are the flood that has been caused by a dam that has broken.
a dam that you created.
a dam that they created.
a dam made from bits of pieces of your heart.
your soul.
your brain.
your strength. and your courage.
a dam you made because of the lies.
with the lies.
and the jokes. and the
You were here. Growing. Living.
I would have loved you with my entire being.
I'm sure he would have loved you too.
I'm not ready for you. But I would have loved you.
We aren't ready for you. But we would have loved you.
I would have cherished the short time we had together.
I should have chosen to end our journey.
I should have had the right to choose.
I should have. We should have. He should have.
But I didn't.
I didn't even know you existed.
And he never will.
I didn't know you were here. Inside me. And.
I killed you.
I lost you.
But I didn't choose to.
My body decided you weren't right.
Or maybe it decided I wasn't right.
I can hear you breathing .
Soft .
Slow.
Sweet .
Perfect.
It makes me smile just looking at your gorgeous face.
Structured.
Stubbly.
Perfect.
Shadows are made over it as the sun slowly rises and shines through your blinds.
I wonder if I should stir and wake you.
Your arm is wrapped around my waist, hand rested lightly on my back.
My arm is wrapped around your hip. One finger entwined in your jeans belt loop.
I was playing with it as we fell asleep.
I love to fiddle as we drift off together.
I slowly slip my arm out from under yours and allow my fingers to slowly trace up your torso.
You are so pale.
Pasty.
But so gorg
Self-Sabotage....
Sitting behind my door again.
Oh dear.
Please go away. Please.
I don't even want to know you anymore.
Please go away.
You're always there.
Behind my door.
Inside my head.
Telling me I'm wrong.
I'm undeserving.
I'm sick of you.
I'm sick of your voice.
Your presence.
I'm sick of it.
Please go away.
I beg you.
I beg you to crawl under the door.
Please get away.
I can't breathe with you here.
I'm crying.
But I don't deserve to.
What do I have to cry about?
Nothing.
I'm wrong to cry.
I'm wrong to love.
I'm wrong to care.
Please go away. Please.
I just want to be numb to your pro
I'm the pretty that you'll never want
I'm the best friend.
Not the one.
I'm the girl you'll lay beside in bed. Spoon. Hug.
But I'll never be who you really love.
We're always there for each other. Always there to lend a hand.
We're inseparable.
We tell each other everything.
I'm the best friend.
You like her.
You think she's pretty. Smart. Funny.
You feel comfortable around her.
You think I'm pretty. Smart. Funny.
But I'm the best friend.
And I'll always be invisible
Because it's her and her alone.
I'll never tell you how I feel.
I'm not going to lie to myself and think that one day we might be together.
I know I'm not your t
You're beautiful
I whisper into her ear.
I can hear her roll her eyes.
I can't believe she won't accept it.
She pushes me away.
She always pushes me away.
It's how she is. It's how she lives. It's how she thinks she should react.
She doesn't know anything else.
Ugly. Fat. Stupid. She's heard these since primary school and nothing. Nothing. Will change her mind.
She's set. She believes these words with her whole heart.
And nothing else can penetrate that heart.
I want to reach out.
I want to touch her.
I want to feel what she feels when she hears my words.
Beautiful. Sexy. Gorgeous. I want to know how she just ignores that I am say
these are not tears of weakness.
these are not tears of fear.
these are not tears of sadness.
these are hot heavy reminders that pain is real.
these are the reminders that you have felt.
That you have experienced.
That you have hurt. and loved. and lost. and that something has died inside of you.
past. present. future.
these are a flood.
They are the flood that has been caused by a dam that has broken.
a dam that you created.
a dam that they created.
a dam made from bits of pieces of your heart.
your soul.
your brain.
your strength. and your courage.
a dam you made because of the lies.
with the lies.
and the jokes. and the
You were here. Growing. Living.
I would have loved you with my entire being.
I'm sure he would have loved you too.
I'm not ready for you. But I would have loved you.
We aren't ready for you. But we would have loved you.
I would have cherished the short time we had together.
I should have chosen to end our journey.
I should have had the right to choose.
I should have. We should have. He should have.
But I didn't.
I didn't even know you existed.
And he never will.
I didn't know you were here. Inside me. And.
I killed you.
I lost you.
But I didn't choose to.
My body decided you weren't right.
Or maybe it decided I wasn't right.
I can hear you breathing .
Soft .
Slow.
Sweet .
Perfect.
It makes me smile just looking at your gorgeous face.
Structured.
Stubbly.
Perfect.
Shadows are made over it as the sun slowly rises and shines through your blinds.
I wonder if I should stir and wake you.
Your arm is wrapped around my waist, hand rested lightly on my back.
My arm is wrapped around your hip. One finger entwined in your jeans belt loop.
I was playing with it as we fell asleep.
I love to fiddle as we drift off together.
I slowly slip my arm out from under yours and allow my fingers to slowly trace up your torso.
You are so pale.
Pasty.
But so gorg
Self-Sabotage....
Sitting behind my door again.
Oh dear.
Please go away. Please.
I don't even want to know you anymore.
Please go away.
You're always there.
Behind my door.
Inside my head.
Telling me I'm wrong.
I'm undeserving.
I'm sick of you.
I'm sick of your voice.
Your presence.
I'm sick of it.
Please go away.
I beg you.
I beg you to crawl under the door.
Please get away.
I can't breathe with you here.
I'm crying.
But I don't deserve to.
What do I have to cry about?
Nothing.
I'm wrong to cry.
I'm wrong to love.
I'm wrong to care.
Please go away. Please.
I just want to be numb to your pro
I'm the pretty that you'll never want
I'm the best friend.
Not the one.
I'm the girl you'll lay beside in bed. Spoon. Hug.
But I'll never be who you really love.
We're always there for each other. Always there to lend a hand.
We're inseparable.
We tell each other everything.
I'm the best friend.
You like her.
You think she's pretty. Smart. Funny.
You feel comfortable around her.
You think I'm pretty. Smart. Funny.
But I'm the best friend.
And I'll always be invisible
Because it's her and her alone.
I'll never tell you how I feel.
I'm not going to lie to myself and think that one day we might be together.
I know I'm not your t
You're beautiful
I whisper into her ear.
I can hear her roll her eyes.
I can't believe she won't accept it.
She pushes me away.
She always pushes me away.
It's how she is. It's how she lives. It's how she thinks she should react.
She doesn't know anything else.
Ugly. Fat. Stupid. She's heard these since primary school and nothing. Nothing. Will change her mind.
She's set. She believes these words with her whole heart.
And nothing else can penetrate that heart.
I want to reach out.
I want to touch her.
I want to feel what she feels when she hears my words.
Beautiful. Sexy. Gorgeous. I want to know how she just ignores that I am say
I was super duper young when I started this and I feel that as I have grown I have enjoyed looking back and exploring the past versions of myself and my creative process.
I create for myself as a way of expressing. like many others do.
This is a way to express and explore with and for other.